The Trials of German Online Dating
Since I moved from Sri Lanka to Germany almost ten years ago, I have found dating in Germany a challenge. An interesting recent development has been dabbling in online dating, so to speak. If I sound a bit evasive, it’s because I mean to be. Dating offline in Germany is challenging enough, navigating language and a different romantic environment means that sometimes conversations only make sense in the shower 4 days after the fact, at least to me. Online dating was going to be just another challenge for me. Hoo boy, and how.
I joined a platform, one which a fair number of men had supposedly joined with great reluctance. In the profile description of many potential suitors is a common proposal; we should tell people we met reaching for the same bottle of wine at the supermarket. This suggestion is not quite at the intersection of creative and original. I swipe left. Eye contact and seeing people in person and for real is replaced by photos. Occasionally, someone wants a partner that speaks German without an accent. I see them the way I do the “we reached for the same bottle of wine” lot, perhaps a trifle unfairly. There could be degrees of being swopen left, I think to myself. To learn from and grow and all that. I sift my way through profiles of men hanging from boulders, who all see to use the inimitable German phrase “mit beiden beinen im leben stehen” which translated means ‘Standing with both feet in life’ or to simply have everything under control. A match with these gentlemen feels unrealistic as most days, I teeter on just the one leg. Finally, we have the men in tailored clothes standing next to expensive cars. I assume there’s an ownership aspect to this that some women find attractive. I get a few likes, and I like a few myself.
It’s the writing that unnerves me. Nothing wrong with a simple hello, I think. Not a popular opinion. Someone asks me how I’d describe myself, what my characteristics are. I probably wouldn’t wobble on one leg if I knew that. He sends me a list of his characteristics, a comprehensive list of 20 entries. Of course, ‘teamwork’ is included.
What messages do I receive first? The inevitable ‘where are you from?’ follows the hello sexys to the point I’m curious when the conversation doesn’t go there. ‘Are you mixed race?’ someone asks. I’m not, but he insists. His ex was Sri Lankan and Sri Lankans are much darker he replies knowingly. Well, okay then. Can’t argue with that. Being confronted with this question still stirs something in me. I’m from a country that was firmly and regularly colonised by quite a few countries, not to mention that it has been in a unique location for traders and who knows, the odd wanderer and passer-by. Growing up we are scrutinised thoroughly by relatives, neighbours and sundry others. If we are darker than one parent, it is deemed a pity. If not, we are pretty or still darker than some other cousin. Skin lightening has been considered the standard for beauty in Sri Lanka going back to the colonial era. Keeping up with modern standards of beauty is hard enough, without the pressure for women to bleach their skin. The required shade is elusive. For instance, my dark hair isn't dark enough and bottles of coconut oil have been wagged in my face since I was kid. ‘Look your hair is all brown. Only because you don't put oil, no’. The scrutiny from potential suitors, with comments and questions about skin colour, hair, eyes, cheeks causes some sharp intakes of breath. This level of eyeing someone up and down isn’t something I’m familiar with in real life dating. Maybe people are too polite to say things to my face? I’ve had the occasional person touching my hair and asking if it’s natural or what products I use on it, but this was at the dentist’s and once at a European embassy in Sri Lanka.
I settle for answering that I’m German and from Sri Lanka. Applying for German citizenship last year was one of the most difficult decisions I have made, very bitter-sweet and I’m thankful to my circle of people who knew this and understood. Telling a stranger, I’m German is still a hefty business. I first say the name of my town in Germany. That’s where I’m from. Or I double barrel the Sri Lankan town I’m from with the German town I’m from.
“When did you leave Sri Lanka?”
“In my mid-20s.”
“So only 9 years in Germany. You’re Sri Lankan, no?”
So many tears, talks with family and friends, that sinking moment handing over my Sri Lankan passport to the German authorities at the citizenship event, sure, stranger on the net, let’s do this. I also don’t know how to say I’m a PhD student currently looking for a job and dealing with much PhD stress at the moment. One man probes into the whys and hows of this. I answer truthfully to find out he’s lied about his age, a decade upwards of the 43 on his profile. A couple of days into writing, there’s the ‘how good are your massages?’ question. Dating in Germany while brown. I’d love to know if other women encounter the same question or assumption.
One chap had posted a photo with a herd of cows. The gist is he sees many posing with horses, this is the best he could do. The best I can do is with the neighbourhood cat, I tell him. The challenge is on. More points for a ginger cat, I’m told. I wonder if this is even PC but go with the flow. He said it himself. There is a neighbourhood cat, but it seems to be on hiatus the next two days. I make a makeshift grave on a dry patch of grass, a twig cross and say the cat has faked its own death, very keen on data protection and all that. We write in English; he hadn’t asked where I’m from. His profile says where he’s from, and his language does too. We agree to meet. I send him my full name as an afterthought. Mainly I feel obliged to since I did send him a photo of a makeshift grave. We don’t know a single conventional dating thing about each other. He had worried I will google him and find the news story of a man with the same name caught breaking into a castle to eat a sandwich inside. Had he googled me? “You sent me your name, I went to sleep and drove over in the morning”. So, there is that too.
