This might seem obvious but politeness is not a uniform concept. Across the globe, definitions of politeness vary from country to country, and in some cases it can even differ from one region to another, within a single country. If you ever wish to lose several hours of your life, google "politeness theory" and see for yourself. What is, or isn’t polite, can depend on many factors: is the culture in question focused on the group or the individual, how important is relationship building, or how much respect is afforded to timekeeping? Small differences can matter and with instant global communication, it’s very easy for cultural interactions to be mislabeled as impolite.

This is certainly the case with the English-speaking world. English, for good or for ill, has become the dominant language of global communication. The rise of English as an international language has made life very easy for native English speakers, but it’s also led to assumptions that British or American concepts of politeness are also the global standard. The idea that English speakers are the grand arbiters of politeness is not just a purely British perception either. The Germans I work with will often ask me to check if their emails are “polite” enough, or will request that I make them sound more “polite” in meetings. It’s true that many everyday phrases in German, once translated, tend to sound more direct, but often language is the least of their problems. More often than not, there are far more subtle ways to cause offence.

A great example of this is staring. Staring is discouraged from an early age in many English-speaking countries. It’s considered extremely impolite and most parents will quickly admonish their children if they are caught in the act of staring at anyone too long. My parents and grandparents taught me this fundamental rule from an early age and it’s no surprise that my siblings and I continue the tradition, by teaching our own children the same rule today. Being taught from an early age that a particular activity is considered impolite fosters the sense that this is a universal cultural rule, and that it’s always existed. This ethnocentric thinking leads people to project their cultural standards out, if not to the entire world, then at least to neighbouring countries. Living in Germany has shown me that although we may be close culturally, Germany and Britain have numerous small differences, staring being one of them. Generally Germans don’t see the issue.

Staring at everyone and everything is a part of life in Germany. People will stare at the weird and the wonderful, as you would expect. However, sometimes you’ll look up to find a German person studying you as if they were about to sit an exam based on your every action. This is not necessarily strange, as I’m sure we’ve all been caught absently staring at someone. The difference is that unlike in the UK, Germans won’t quickly look away when the subject of their staring catches their eye. Instead some will simply continue to stare intensely.

What makes this particular social peccadillo all the more unnerving is that you don't have to be doing anything peculiar for the eye lasers to be activated, you can simply be going about your daily routine. Walking down the street I’ll often catch people staring directly at me as I walk past. This can be incredibly unsettling. When I first arrived I developed a paranoia that these stares were because I had something on my face or worse, that I might have made some embarrassing mistake. I often thought I’d forgotten to do up the buttons or zip on the front of my trousers, or perhaps had some food or maybe a pen mark on my face. I felt compelled to check. This only served to exacerbate the issue. As people kept staring, I kept checking. This must have presented a rather bizarre and stare-worthy situation in itself, as to the innocent German bystander, there was some lunatic wandering around checking his testicles or looking in shop windows to check their face every two metres. Instead of solving the problem, I basically created a staring feedback loop.

Staring can also ramp up the feeling of intimidation. Walking into a bar in Germany, you can often find the entire room staring at you, especially if it’s not your local haunt. Again, this happens in a lot of places, but in Germany there is absolutely no subtlety. if the British must stare, they’ll attempt to do it without being caught. Rarely do people actively turn around to stare at the newcomers as they do in Germany. I’ve walked into a number of bars with my wife, only to be faced with a wall of eyes peering back at us. People will continue staring for as long as they deem sufficient, some might go back to their conversations quickly, while others will track your movements studiously.

While it probably won’t cause any lasting damage in Germany, if Germans take their staring habit with them to English-speaking countries, they might find themselves in real bother. The phrase “what are you staring at?” is the precursor to nearly every fight in the UK I’ve ever seen or been involved in. Many times, I’ve had to tell my German family not to stare at people when we’ve been in the UK, especially in those situations where they really want to. My wife’s position is that if you don’t want to be stared at, don’t do things worthy of staring. My position is, if you love your husband and would like him to maintain his rugged good looks, please stop staring at everyone.

Once the shock of people staring a little longer than expected wears off, it becomes clear that staring in Germany is actually a sign of politeness in certain circumstances. Staring into the eyes of others is an important part of saying ‘prost’ (cheers) before drinking a beer or a glass of wine. When we say cheers in English speaking countries, it’s usually half-hearted and slightly awkward, except after the fifth or sixth beer. At no point is anyone going to do something as intensely-off putting as looking you directly in the eyes. German drinking etiquette requires the “Prost Stare”. After clinking glasses everyone must then look each other in the eyes or suffer social ostracism. I’ve been told more than once that if a person breaks eye contact when saying ‘Prost’, they can expect to be punished with seven years of bad sex, a punishment that really doesn’t seem to fit the crime. It’s easy enough to get used to the “Prost stare” when there are only a couple of people with you. It becomes complicated when there are twenty or so people and inevitably you develop repetitive strain attempting to catch the eye of everyone at the table.

Living in a foreign country will always require people to adapt, but even when they do, it can be difficult to remove decades of social programming. I have no idea why staring is so prevalent in Germany, but it is. However, it would be unfair to judge German staring by my own culture’s politeness rules. There are exceptions, especially when a man intensely stares at a woman, and a general awareness of the difference is important. After such a long-time living in Germany, I barely notice, but once in a while I’ll catch someone doing it and wonder if I’m really that interesting.

Proofreader: @ScandiTina

Image Credit

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Photo by Tembela Bohle from Pexels

Photo by Bacila Vlad on Unsplash

Photo by Jelleke Vanooteghem on Unsplash