Running the Wedding Marathon

Of all the assumptions we might make about other cultures, easily one of the most common is the assumption of similarity, the rather pernicious belief that most cultures are essentially the same. It’s a trap anyone can fall into, from the novice traveller to the most seasoned globetrotter, the difference is simply a question of scale. While some may be surprised by shop opening times, or variations in food, others may have their expectations obliterated by the realities of politeness or decision making. The assumption of similarity affects our perceptions of Europe in particular, which is understandable given there are so many different nations nestled together, many within the EU. While this might lead some to consider European culture homogeneous, there are numerous differences, many of which come to the fore when important life events come around, especially events like weddings.

Admittedly, there are similarities to be found. When my wife and I were planning our wedding, there were plenty of things that I recognised from back in the UK. There were mood boards to construct, and a seemingly endless supply of wedding magazines to sift through, all of which corresponded with similar things I’d seen before. As we flicked through endless images of cocktails served in mason jars, flower arrangements, or suggestions for wedding attire, nothing struck me as particularly out of the ordinary. However, much of this was in the realm of the superficial, when it comes to finding the real differences, you have to look deeper and towards the less tangible. The real points of divergence come with the traditions and overall approaches to a couple's special day.  

My first realisation that our wedding was going to be different from those I’d attend in Britain came with the decision on what type of wedding we might have. For obvious reasons this is quite important. In Britain, you can choose between a civil or a religious ceremony, which can be held in any licensed premise or religious building. In Germany you have the same choice, but couples are legally required to marry at a Standesamt (registry office) first, usually by a Standesbeamter or Bürgermeister (essentially a registrar or the mayor) at a town hall. Only after the official paperwork has been signed and witnessed can the bride and groom have a second, possibly religious, wedding. This can mean that the first official wedding is a very low-key event, attended only by close family and friends, and without all the usual trappings of traditional wedding ceremonies. This tendency towards a more muted event can be a little shocking for the uninitiated. My first such ceremony saw myself and my wife turn up in our smartest outfits, to be joined by a ragtag group of other wedding guests in outfits that ranged from suits, to a bloke in a t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of dogeared trainers.

The requirement for a Standesamt wedding does make scheduling a little chaotic. Some town halls will only allow couples to get married on one certain day a week and between a very narrow window of time (08.00 – 10.00). If you want to get married during school holidays, don’t be surprised if all the employees who could marry you are on three-week vacations. Our own wedding was almost derailed when a hiccup in the scheduling of holidays at the Rathaus meant all the people who could marry us happened to be on holiday at the same time.I know plenty of people who’ve been married on a weekday simply because it was the only time available to do it, and in one particular instance, I know a couple who got married in the morning and went to work later that day as if nothing had happened. This might seem odd, but it does mean that weddings can be smaller, more intimate, and importantly, much more affordable.

This whole process creates further complications should a couple wish to have some other ceremony to celebrate their nuptials. If you manage to get an appointment at the town hall, it may not actually correspond with the availability of a church or other venue, meaning couples may have to have their official wedding and more fancy wedding months or even years apart. This can be useful in some ways, since the expense of hosting a large wedding can be spread over a longer timeframe, but in many cases couples will have a Standesamt ceremony, promise themselves a more special event further down the line, but then never really get around to doing it. The knock on effect of all this scheduling and rescheduling can be some rather strange interactions in which you ask an acquaintance if they are married and they reply “Yes...officially”.

With official marriages restricted to certain days and certain times, going to a wedding in Germany can become a whole day event. I’ve been to a number that started at 9am sharp and didn't finish until well after 3 in the morning. This marathon wedding style means that the typical British approach to wedding celebration, the all-day drinking session, must be tempered, if only for self-preservation. It also can add some extra costs. The term “Wedding Breakfast” in the UK refers to some beige canapés and a glass of buck’s fizz after a morning ceremony, whereas in Germany, you can easily find yourself eating a bowl of muesli, while awkwardly making small talk with the bride’s great-aunt. There can be a lot of slow moments too, as things leisurely progress towards the evening. In some cases, the bride and groom will organise tours for guests or take groups to the cinema while the evening venue is prepared. For those relatives who feel inclined, they can help decorate or be given some other vital wedding related task to keep them busy until the party can begin. This does add to the communal spirit of the wedding, as only using family as free labour can do.

This slightly DIY vibe means there’s generally a much more relaxed atmosphere at German weddings than those I've attended in Britain. The official weddings are smaller and therefore less formal, but even at full church weddings I’ve been to, the relaxed atmosphere continues. It is traditional in the UK for the groom, the best man, the ushers and the father of the bride to wear matching suits, in Germany there is no such requirement. The relaxed nature of German weddings also extends to one of the common traditions of giving speeches. Speeches are a highlight of most British weddings, with the joke laden best man's speech being the main event. Although there are speeches given at German weddings, they aren’t necessarily entertainment. I have seen my brother-in-law give two speeches at weddings, neither of which were pre-prepared nor obsessed over. At no point did he feel the need to google search “best man speech”, include a series of terrible jokes or come out in a flop sweat. He just did them, off the top of his head, like some kind of wildman.

The speeches may be unimportant, but there are usually other weird and wonderful things to look forward to. The night before a German wedding, many couples host a Polterabend at their homes. Guests are invited for a drink, something to eat and the chance to smash plates which are in turn cleaned up by the wedding couple. It doesn’t always have to be plates either, it can be pots, pans and even old sinks and toilets. There are many reasons that are given for doing this, either for luck or to let off steam, but mostly I think it’s because it’s always funny to watch the people you care about most doing manual labour while everyone else gets drunk.

There are other things to look out for during the actual wedding day. In Bavaria, there is a tradition of newlyweds sawing a log in half. The idea is that the log represents all the possible problems a relationship could face. The act of cutting the log in two shows that they are a team, ready for all of life’s challenges. There might not be funny speeches, but most weddings will also have a section where friends and family of the bride and groom put on a performance for the other guests. Nothing says you care like standing up in front of a group of people you barely know and singing a rewritten version of a popular song or performing a skit. Alternatively, your best wishes for the married pair can be in the form of a carefully prepared quiz or a well edited video. They can be cringe worthy, they can be spectacular, and more often than not, they require audience participation. In those moments it helps to remember, if everyone looks stupid, no one looks stupid.

I’ve enjoyed most weddings I’ve attended in Germany, although it’s admittedly quite difficult to get used to the slow pace. Additionally, the conversations can be quite stilted with other guests as the traditional social lubricant of alcohol isn’t always so freely available. Nevertheless, there is usually a point where the champagne corks pop and everyone gets into the festive spirit, but like most things in Germany, it just takes a little more time.

Proofreader: @ScandiTina