Jan 7

Jan 7 Honestly Dishonest

There are thousands of little frustrations in learning a language, but by far the most common I’ve seen in my years of English training in Germany concerns the most mundane of questions: ‘How are you?’. It seems that this simple query deeply irritates many German speakers of English, and more than once I’ve been asked by a frustrated learner ‘Do they really mean it?’. The key to answering this question is finding out who exactly “they” are. English is a global language after all, so pinpointing exactly who’s asking is crucial. Rarely does the intent of a Chinese or Indian counterpart come under scrutiny, instead German participants desperately want to know if an American or British person means it when they ask ‘How are you?’. In these moments, it’s worth stopping a training session and adopting the calming tone of a friendly family doctor in order to find out exactly what is causing so much pain.

Communication context is key; was it before or after the meeting? Was the asker passing you quickly in the hallway or were they sitting opposite you over lunch? Do you know the person asking or have you just met? When I ask these questions of Germans, they seem baffled at the level of detail. For many of them, the context is irrelevant; why ask the question at all if a person doesn’t want an honest answer? I’ve always found this search for honesty in communication a charming aspect of living in Germany, some innate desire to be earnest, one that has very little currency in the communication environment I grew up with in the UK. At face value, German communication is transactional, whereas in the UK and certain parts of the US, communication is an elaborate dance, verbal Kabuki, that involves much more than the words coming out a person’s mouth. There are subtexts within subtexts, hidden meanings only noticeable to those looking for them. The words, more often than not, mean less than the tone. ‘How are you?’ Is a genuine question, but it’s also a conversation starter, a time filler, an acknowledgement and a polite start point for topics entirely unrelated to the current condition of the person being asked.

Germans tend not to like this reply. They want a straight answer, but without any communication context, it’s is hard to give one. The response I tend to get is that the British and Americans are ‘Oberflächlich’ (superficial), they don’t really care how the Germans are, and by asking without really wanting to know the answer, they’re exhibiting a gross level of dishonesty. This is a cardinal sin in Germany. Honesty is the cornerstone of German communication but also German society at large. How else do I explain the constant annoyance over three simple words? It certainly explains many of my interactions in Germany. The blunt assessment of situations, the pointed feedback that brings tears to the eyes, the unvarnished truth that feels less conversational and rather a cruel form of psychological warfare. What some see as impoliteness, or blunt force communication, I see as prizing honesty over everything else. Germans aren’t impolite, they’re honest, which Studies certainly point towards.

Out in the wild, honesty seems to flow with regularity. For example, Germans have no qualms about confronting those who break from behavioural norms. Direct and unsolicited advice is a daily possibility, much to the displeasure of those who’ve grown up in more reserved and indirect communication cultures. Personal communication aside, directness and honesty is also expected in lots of areas of life that other cultures have come to only expect dishonesty.

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

Politicians are held to a base level of honesty in a way I don’t see in the UK or the US anymore. The various plagiarism scandals that have seen German politicians rapidly fall from grace suggests this. Dishonesty, even historic dishonesty, is still seen as breaking the unwritten rules of German life. More recently, the scandals that engulfed the CDU and its sister party, the CSU, over medical procurement during the pandemic were met with universal criticism. The outcry over this dishonesty was fierce, and may have had far deeper repercussions, coming as they did in an election year. It would be harsh to suggest that Germans are naive about the honesty of their politicians, but coming from a country where political lies are the norm, it seems quaint that Germans don’t automatically accept that their political class are always on the take. Political apathy is clearly not as deep rooted as it is in the UK.

Honesty may well be expected from politicians, but dishonesty exists in other forms. In some cases it’s almost necessary. Germans are perfectly capable of allowing elements of dishonesty to creep into their own lives. As much as Germans value honesty in communication and in their personal relationships (with some limits), they appear happy to be dishonest with themselves about the reality of the world we live in.

Perhaps this is a truth of German life, external honesty, internal dishonesty. Does that explain the fixation over protecting the environment, but a willingness to vote for parties that have a terrible record on doing so? Does it explain the regular handwringing over the growing wealth gap and the simultaneous characterisation of people on benefits as lazy drug addicts? I do feel it explains the pride that many expound on the openness of German society, while at the same time ignoring the structural failures that ensure marginalised groups remain on the fringes. Personally, I like to remain optimistic about the future, which some might call my own self-delusion. Maybe I’m becoming more German with every passing year. Things can change, of that I’m sure, but only if we’re as honest about the failings of society, and our own culpability, as we are about the failings of others.