There’s a lot happening in Germany at the moment, more than enough that certain things will slip under the radar. With energy transitions, cannabis legalisation, train strikes, and government scandals, it’s understandable that some topics won’t be given as much focus, but recently a particular news story caught my attention, one which I was surprised didn’t receive wider coverage. Although I’m wary of sensationalising what may be nothing, I believe Germany faces a threat of such magnitude, it may well change German culture forever: a recent survey has suggested that young German men are increasingly choosing to stand up when they pee. Shocking, I’m sure you’ll agree.

To be clear, the poll by YouGov shows that sitting down when nature calls is still the general preference in Germany, with 40% of men responding that they always choose to sit. Compared to Denmark (19%), Italy (13%), and Britain (9%), German men are holding fast against the barbarian hordes. However, there is an age gap, with men between 18-34 doing so only 28% of the time, while 49% of men over the age of 55 continue to uphold the proud tradition of throne sitting, whatever the outcome. Why young men in Germany are shifting to an upright approach is unclear. The survey didn’t bother to ask for that vital detail, but I’m sure there must be some theories. Perhaps this alarming trend is an example of a moral failing in young people, too busy protesting against climate change, drinking lattes, and eating avocados to observe centuries of vital tradition. Personally, I’ve no specific evidence why things may be changing, but before this becomes the next front in the culture war, perhaps we should understand why British men stand, while men in Germany sit.

As the data suggests, most British men would be confused about German toilet etiquette, after all, as a culture the British are practically indoctrinated to stand for the old "number one". I distinctly remember a little decorative tile in my grandparent’s bathroom, inscribed with a short poem: “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat”. It’s not Tennyson, but the rhyme always struck me, first because the tile was that odd shade of brown that still denotes 1970s Britain in my mind, and secondly, how weird it was to see such poetic toilet advice in the home of my very British, very repressed grandparents. Much to my own personal regret, I never asked them about it, the idea of doing so being bloody awkward to say the least. I just did what the British are programmed to do: I ignored it, drank tea, and talked about the weather.

This is in stark contrast to the German experience, where there are similar toilet poems decorating people’s bathrooms, however they give very different guidance, such as: “Um das Klo nicht zu bespritzen, dürfen bei uns auch Männer sitzen!!!” (“In order not to splash the toilet, men are also allowed to sit”). This is the direct opposite of the British advice and possibly an example of how much Germany and Britain differ. While the British refrain from ordering men to sit, and instead accept that things may go south, hoping, if they do, someone will tidy up afterwards; Germany gets straight to the point, and with added exclamation marks. The directness of the request is sometimes softened with a humorous cartoon of a man sitting on the floor, with a confused look on their face, arching a stream directly into the toilet bowl. Despite the rhyme, and the cartoon, it’s clear the request in the poem is anything but negotiable.

It seems reasonable that German hosts want to ensure guests don’t leave horrible surprises, but these signs aren’t only found in homes. There are many public, pub, and restaurant toilets that offer the same advice to male customers on entering their facilities, minus the rhyme and the funny cartoon, but retaining the number of exclamation marks. Somehow the message is more brutal when delivered via desktop printed signs, written in Comic Sans. Their very existence suggests that men are expected to sit, but also that it may not happen with uniform regularity. The hope then is that with a stern reminder, men may think twice about parting from expected German toilet norms.

Theories may fly as to why the British differ from Germans; one I’ve often heard is that British men are somehow more manly, and therefore stand. Naturally this is only ever suggested by British men, and I can’t say I see the connection myself. I’m sure those who argue this point believe they’re somehow retaining some deep-rooted caveman habit, shaking their fists at the natural world as they dominate the porcelain in front of them. I can’t imagine the evolutionary benefit of spraying every surface in urine, maybe it scared away predators. I’m more inclined to see it as marking territory, like a pet dog, wazzing on all the pot plants.

Personally, I think the reason that Germany and Britain differ is far more prosaic. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of spending a penny in a British public toilet, you’ll understand exactly why there aren’t signs directing men to sit. More often than not, aim is the least of anyone’s concerns, getting in and out without touching anything, looking at anyone, and if possible, inhaling is far more important. Grim doesn’t even go part way to describing the general state of British public toilets, especially pub toilets. In many instances, there won’t even be a toilet seat, it having been removed for fear it might be used as a weapon, or as a surface for taking drugs on, or both. There isn’t an amount of money large enough to convince me that any part of my body should be touching one of those toilets, hell, I feel the need for a shower just thinking about them.

While the British approach is highly streamlined, focusing on exiting as quickly as nature will allow, German toilets are generally so clean, requesting punters sit down to use them seems altogether logical. Moreover, they often cost at least 50 cents, either to get through a barrier or because a cleaner sits outside the door collecting the entrance fee. Initially I baulked at the exchange rate, but I’ve come to appreciate the fact that many public facilities are well maintained and cleaned regularly. I may miss the novelty of British pub toilets that have barely changed for a century, with their antique porcelain urinal troughs, stamped with the reliable signature of Armitage Shanks. Yet, the thrill of the historical British pub toilet is quickly replaced by basic standards of German cleanliness, and sometimes even luxury, such as the toilet I once visited that had bird song and pan pipe music.

We may never truly know why German men prefer to sit or why young German men are choosing to stand, but I’ll wait patiently for answers when YouGov decides to follow up their survey. Perhaps sitting is the ultimate expression of Germanness, the desire for order, tradition, and hygiene all coming together in a simple toilet visit. I doubt we’ll ever see this become part of any citizenship test, although I think it probably should feature among the 500 standard questions. Maybe sitting is the ultimate sign of integration, a final acceptance of a foreign culture. If that is the case, I’m probably not quite there. If I was to guess the percentages of times I choose to stand, I’d say a safe estimate would be something close to 40%.

Proofreader: @ScandiTina

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