Confusing the Germans

I often find myself confused with life in Germany. Most of the time it’s from language misunderstandings, like waiting for an hour longer than needed at the garage because I hadn’t understood what the mechanic told me. Other times it’s a from making assumptions, like Germans always follow the process. This is a general truth, yet I’m still surprised to find that the security person at the office gate one week is following a totally different process from the security person the week before. I continually remind myself that Germans may follow a process, but that does not always mean the same one. More often than not though, I’m the cause of confusion. Even when a person has spent a longtime living in a different country, mistakes will happen. Sometimes it’s finding out something you never knew about Germany, other times it’s stubborn cultural programming, even more confusion is simply differences in expected outcomes.

David Hasselhoff

Ask British or American people about David Hasselhoff and they will tell you, in all seriousness, how important “The Hoff” is to German culture. The former Knight Rider is believed to be a musical colossus for Germans, mainly because he once played a concert atop the Berlin wall. When Liverpool recently played Hoffenheim in a Champions League qualifier, the British media fell over themselves to make as many references to not ‘Hassling the Hoff’ as they could manage. Ask a German about Hasselhof and they are more likely to ask “Who?”. This is because despite everyone else believing Germans are obsessed with him, Germans have little interest in Hasselhoff. He is a curious figure who had a number one hit thirty years ago. Sadly, Germany does not pine for Mitch from Baywatch. So when some blokes dress for carnival, Halloween or a bachelor party in red shorts and carrying life jackets, the joke is somewhat lost. All most people see are several slightly tubby, pale skinned men pretending to run in slow motion, which I guess is funny, but for different reasons.

Saying “thanks!” to the bus driver

There is no greater example of British attempts at equality than saying ‘Thanks’ to the bus driver when you reach your stop. It is common courtesy, we are told, to acknowledge their efforts, even if the bus is ten minutes late. No matter how hard I try, I can’t rid myself of this cultural tic. I’m not the only one, many British people I’ve spoken to in Germany can’t help themselves either. Do this in Germany and you leave the driver and some passengers a little confused as it’s just not that common. Sure, Germans like to be acknowledged for their effort, but most of the time they do not require effusive praise or thanks. Also most buses have more than one entrance and exit, so there is no need to walk passed the driver, but when I do, I automatically say “Danke!” in the chipper way I’ve been conditioned to. Sometimes I’ll catch myself mid thanks, which I’m sure only makes me look even weirder.

Cheers

Drinking in Germany requires learning some useful phrases, one of which is ‘Prost!’ or “Cheers!”. However, “Cheers!” is often used to simply say thanks in Britain as well as an exclamation before quaffing a pint. A quick ‘Cheers mate’ for help at work can leave German colleagues wondering whether I have pub PTSD or wondering if they should have clinked their coffee cup with mine. The flipside of this is the German use of a ‘Cheerio!’ when clinking glasses, which can be confused as a language mistake but is actually a reference to the beloved English language comedy Dinner for One, rather than an attempt to sound like the upper echelons of British society. There is something magical about seeing a group of burly looking workmen, covered in plaster dust and paint, having an after-work pint and exclaiming ‘Cheerio’ before knecking a Weißbier.

Chips with Everything

Food is a serious business in Germany and alterations to traditional dishes are frowned upon, if not considered as sacrilege. I was once told, in all seriousness, that traditional food was devised over hundreds of years and it would be inappropriate to make changes to centuries of collective knowledge. It’s a scientific process. This is in sharp contrast with British and American restaurant culture, where customer preferences and adaptations are taken in stride. This belief in traditional combinations is perhaps why German restaurant staff will react with angry confusion should someone mess with a traditional dish. I once caused a minor international incident because I ordered chips instead of Klöße (dumpling) with my traditional Franconian Schäuferle (Pork Shoulder). The waitress looked at me as if I had defecated on the table. She then went on to explain that my German must be bad. When I persevered, I was told this was incorrect, and what I had ordered was impossible. After I continued to insist, she begrudgingly took my order. When my food arrived shortly after, she brought two plates, refusing to even countenance the idea of the two foods sharing a plate. She watched in confused horror as I merrily mixed the two together.

Everything is Great in Germany

One of the best and worst traits of British people, if not most migrants in Germany, is how darned impressed we are with nearly everything. There are faults, but only in comparison to other aspects of Germany. When things run well, they really run well. The constant praise of life in Germany may annoy more patriotic friends back home, but that is nothing to the confusion it creates in Germans. Germans, seem to aspire to more lofty targets. Things could be better, trains could be faster, tax could be lower and football teams could be more successful. When I told a German friend that I would be happy if England managed to get to the quarter finals of the World Cup, he shook his head in disbelief. There is no settling, there is only improvement. If nothing improves then Germans are free to complain about it forever, which is probably why the British feel so welcome here.