Why Can't We Be Friends?
At some point every non-German I know has found themselves in a discussion about German unfriendliness, with the general opinion being that Germans, overall, are unfriendly or at least unwelcoming. This opinion is borne out in the results of surveys focusing on expat communities in Germany, which regularly highlight the difficulties many non-Germans have settling into life here. 55% of respondents to the 2019 InterNations annual expat survey reported that they struggled to make friends, a trend that has seen Germany in the bottom ten for ease of settling-in, through four of the last five years. With results such as these, it does beg the question: are Germans really so hard to make friends with, and if so, why?
As with so many queries on culture, there’s a lot to unpack before we get to an answer. The first and most obvious point is language - after all, making friends does require an ability to communicate. Whichever way you look at it, German is quite a hard language to learn, unless you have an innate skill with languages or happened to learn German at school. There are some obvious reasons, such as the masculine, feminine and neutral forms, compound nouns, tenses, and verb endings. I am by no means a language expert, I speak German like a horse eating a wasp, but over the years I’ve forced myself to engage in situations where speaking German is my only viable option. I’ve had varying degrees of success, of course, and I’ve embarrassed myself on countless occasions. One of the biggest problems many English-speaking migrants face in learning German is motivation. Over the last twenty years, it’s become incredibly easy for English speakers to live in Germany without learning the language. In addition, with the growth of streaming sites and social media, it’s become perfectly possible to exist in an English language bubble and only ever interact with the German language out of extreme necessity. I’m loath to sound like those people who lord integration over others, but not speaking the language does make the process of finding German friends an uphill struggle, as it essentially cuts you off from interacting with a very large section of society.
Misunderstandings in language may be expected, but cultural misunderstandings can be some of the most painful and disheartening aspects of living in Germany. This is partially down to a misreading of German culture that I and many others have made. The concept of “global culture” has gained a lot of currency and it can lead many English-speaking migrants to assume that there are not so many differences between Germany and their homeland. I don’t want to undersell the idea that a global culture exists, as it surely does, but it can be incredibly superficial. We may share similar fashion, media and sporting trends, but this does not extend to things like communication, expectations of manners or understanding cultural processes. The fact that I can hear Beyonce on the radio and watch the latest Marvel movie at the cinema will not protect me from being publicly upbraided for not waiting at a pedestrian crossing on a red light, or for being late to an appointment. Realising that Germany isn’t as similar to “home” as once thought can be an isolating experience.
Another issue is that of connections. For someone coming to Germany on their own, the task of meeting people is a far more daunting affair than for those coming as I did, to join their partner. I have a lot of admiration for people who come to Germany, or any other country, without any contacts. Although I’ve made my own friends here, I’ve benefited from having a haven at home and guidance from my wife about what is or isn’t normal. Connections can help explain the points of culture that sometimes seem mystifying to new arrivals, as well as enabling them to tap into a pre-built extended network of friends. Misunderstandings will happen for many reasons, but there are many that would’ve remained obscure without my wife or her family explaining what I'd missed.
When misunderstandings occur, we can quickly become frustrated with another culture, even more so with one that seems so similar. In those moments, both sides can make some serious misjudgements. The instinct is often to blame or make quite sweeping conclusions about people’s motivation, based on our own cultural reading of the situation. This is not entirely surprising, given that humans make numerous assessments, often subconsciously and incredibly quickly. When migrants hit a cultural wall, such as with politeness or process, we try to understand the problems we are facing. Our brain tries to match that problem to something we might recognise, which is usually based on our own deep cultural understanding. Unsurprisingly, measuring one culture by the rules of another is unlikely to lead to an effective or accurate assessment of motivation, and it is for this reason that we might assume whole cultures are impolite, lazy or, dare I say it, unfriendly.
It must be remembered that outcomes are not equal for all migrants, whether in Germany or elsewhere. Factors such as gender and ethnicity can play a part in how you are perceived and interacted with, and it should not be controversial to say that in certain instances, prejudice is a central factor in why someone may or may not be friendly to an individual. As a white, heterosexual male I blend in quite easily and as long as I say very little, I effectively become invisible until I eventually start speaking. Not everyone has this advantage or experience.
Ultimately, when we are assessing nebulous concepts like politeness and friendliness in other cultures, we are likely to make errors. I still find this difficult and when confronted by what I might perceive as examples of these concepts, I try to ask myself “by what standard is this impolite/unfriendly?”. There is no fool-proof standard of measurement for these things and often migrants can only satisfy themselves with the knowledge that arseholes can come in all shapes, sizes, and nationalities.
Proofreader: @ScandiTina
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