Germany Needs Predictions: 2018 Edition

Germany Needs Predictions: 2018 Edition

It is around this time that the media attempt to predict what will be the big events of the coming year. I have always found this a strange way of ringing in the new year, given most of the time these predictions tend to fall flat. During the four years that my wife and I spent living apart, she in Germany and myself in the UK, we came up with a policy of only planning six months ahead. Our feeling was that given the ever changing world we live in, six months in the future was all we could realistically manage.

However, in those days I was a free spirited and fanatically disorganised student, there was no way I could be sure that I would even be around in six months, given my love of all day drinking and kebabs. Once I got married, my wife performed a hostile takeover of my calendar and although I remain an avid supporter of chaos and disorganisation, I generally have some idea of how my year will look. Fasching, Easter, contractually obliged trip to Italy, some public holidays, beer gardens, heat exhaustion, November and finally Christmas markets.

This new perspective on the concept of planning has allowed me to think deeply about the potential events of 2018 and I think you will find my predictions to be both well thought out and accurate.

Politics Battle Royal

As the coalition saga that is German politics continues to roll on, President Frank-Walter Steinmeier takes the controversial step of enacting the little known “Hulk Hogan” law that requires a coalition to be formed via a wrestling Battle Royal. Surprisingly, all parties agree and so in March 2018, we find the major political players of Germany preparing for a no holds barred fight to the finish. Initially, things do not go smoothly as the match is delayed for 25 minutes as the crowd and combatants struggle to gain composure after seeing Martin Schulz in spandex. Once the bell rings, all fighters turn as one and proceed to take turns body slamming Alexander Gauland. Well, all except Horst Seehofer who spends the early minutes desperately trying to convince Gauland’s supporters that he basically just as good. Cem Özdemir takes advantage of the distracted head of the CSU and eliminates him with his patented “Re-Cyclone” finishing move.

As the battle rages on, only two are left standing; Merkel, wearing her lucky Luchador mask and Schulz. Despite attempts by a now disqualified Christian Lindner to distract the outcome by blinding Merkel with the light shining out his arse, our plucky heroine manages to pin Schulz following an epic hurricanrana. Bell rings, Merkel wins. Later in the month, Donald Trump attempts to challenge Merkel for her title, but becomes distracted after losing his favourite crayons.

Rise of the Vegan


Veganism is on the rise and by the middle of 2018, the vegans have managed to take over all forms of government by converting the majority of the populace using mind altering Quinoa. “The Vegan Putsch” as it will come to be called, leaves only a small band of rebels led by the defiant sausage maker Uli Hoeneß. A guerrilla campaign begins, but is continuously interrupted due to Vegan forces having to visit the restroom on a regular basis and Hoeneß’s meaty guerrillas coming down with terminal beef sweats.

Peace is finally restored after both sides realise their common love of Knödel.

Germany Completes Football

Die Mannschaft go into World Cup 2018 as deserved favourites and for good reason. After finally realising that it is easier to score goals if you don’t have Mario Gomez, the football equivalent of a Tonka Truck, rumbling around the football pitch. Beating all teams in front of them, Germany go into the final inexplicably facing England. The three lions manage to drag Germany to a penalty shoot out, but just as Harry Kane steps up to score the winning spot kick, an alien spaceship crashes onto the pitch wiping out Germany’s luckless opponents. Unsure how to proceed, Germany challenge the Aliens to a Space Jam style battle for the universe, winning 22-0 given the Aliens lack of legs or feet or a clear understanding of football.

Now champions of the universe, the German national team decide to repair the fallen spacecraft and travel outer space, hoping to finally find a challenger worthy of them.


So, place your bets now! I am more than confident that at least one of these things will occur (well, except England reaching the World Cup final). I look forward to seeing you in the stands in March, I’ll be the one with the giant foam finger.

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